Out of the Foxhole

How To Make One Plus One Equal More Than Two.

In a recent post, Reacting, Responding, and the Wounds We Carry, I described an interaction with a former colleague that went terribly wrong. At the time I focused on how strong emotions can push us into reactivity, and how exploring my own shame helped me respond more thoughtfully. Looking back, I see that was only half the story—and half a solution is far from a creative one.

Years ago my boss hired a management consultant to take our leadership team through one of the most unusual trainings I had ever attended. I’d sat through dozens of leadership sessions in my career, but this one was different.

The training, called Creative Interchange, was described by its creator, Dr. Charlie Palmgren, as a generative energy that arises when people bring curiosity, courage, and openness into dialogue with one another.

I looked at my calendar and my to-do list and said, “Hell no. I don’t have time for that touchy=feely…stuff.”

My boss suggested otherwise.

Over the next several years, Charlie and CI would have a profound impact on my life, sending me on a journey of self-exploration that continues to this day. Charlie likes to tell the story of meeting me, how he’d been warned about my skepticism and looked forward to winning me over. He did.

Trained in advanced behavioral sciences, an Episcopal priest, and conversant in subjects ranging from theology to quantum physics, Charlie’s breadth of knowledge was remarkable. But what made him truly unique was his insatiable curiosity—and that, in a nutshell, is what Creative Interchange is all about.

Charlie often said we all came into this world perfect, untarnished. But, he would joke, “If you’ve ever had a parent or a teacher in your life, you’re screwed up.” Parents and teachers may bristle at the line, but his point was simple: throughout our lives we inherit the worldviews of others. Even the best mentors pass along a lens colored by their own experiences.

Stephen Covey made the same observation in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. He described paradigms as “the way we see the world, not in terms of our visual sense of sight, but in terms of perceiving, understanding, and interpreting.” He likened it to wearing colored lenses—everything we see is shaped by the tint.

It’s hard to grasp that many of the “truths” we learned as children were really just the opinions or beliefs of someone else. Our paradigms are hidden from us, and we are easily fooled into thinking our view is unvarnished. How many times have you heard someone say, or said yourself, “I saw it with my own two eyes”?

As Malcolm Gladwell explained in his Revisionist History episode, Free Brian Williams, studies of “flashbulb memories” like 9/11 show that the details people swear by often shift and blur over time, even while their confidence remains absolute.

“The lesson of that story,” Gladwell concludes, “is that only a fool will accept the evidence of his own memory as gospel.” And, he adds, “The lesson of this story is we’re all fools.”

We accept the fallibility of other people’s thinking far more easily than our own. My beliefs feel correct; yours must be flawed. That mindset fuels not just personal conflicts but also the deep political divides we see today.

Creative Interchange begins with knowing yourself, the fears and false beliefs you bring to every interaction, and recognizing that no one is immune from those distortions. But it doesn’t stop there. CI is about investing the time and care to understand—truly understand—how the world looks through the other person’s lens. Not guessing. Not projecting. Understanding. That means taking the time, and investing the energy to get to know them. To build a bridge to them. Not waiting for them to come to you. How does it feel when someone takes the time to ask about your life? Your beliefs? How does that change your willingness to listen to them about theirs?

In my exchange with that former colleague, it took me a while to see that shame was at the heart of my anger. Once I did, I could respond more thoughtfully instead of reacting with F-bombs. In that situation, maybe that was enough. We no longer work together, we hadn’t communicated in decades, and we live a thousand miles apart. There was no need—or even opportunity—for us to find creative solutions together.

But isn’t that the very problem we face in this country right now? Too often we stay dug into our foxholes, ready to fire the next volley at whoever is in theirs. Maybe it’s time we climb out, walk over, and take a look at the world from the other side. What do we really risk by listening, other than losing a false certainty?

The goal, whether in a workplace, a friendship, or a nation, is the same: stop standing on opposite sides of the chasm arguing about how to cross it. Step to the same side, see the challenge together—even if the other person is not yet ready to do the same. From that vantage point we are far more likely to discover a creative solution where one plus one equals more than two.